ah.....ah.....ACHOOOOOO

I don't care who you are, if you move to Kentucky, your nose will run like a junior ROTC program in an after school program. It will happen. Accept it...what it is we're dealing with here is the Lord wanting us out of the bluegrass and we're the idiots hanging on.

What I can't accept is the ragweed season hits me in August, the pollen hits me in May-July, and there's about a 45 minute period in August when I can breathe. I take zyrtec, allegra, nasonex, fluticasone, just about ready to try methodone, because no matter what I do, if I walk out of the hospital at about 5:15 my eyes are running by the time I reach the car. People think I'm mentally ill, as I weep and stumble to the parking deck. But the answer is,"hey man, I'm just swelling in reaction to this crappy air over here". I've actually kept a spare pair of contact lenses in my car with saline solution it's so bad. The Ohio river valley is like the land of oz, only instead of witches, tin men, and monkeys flying around there is phorma, ragweed, dust mites, white rain and tobacco flakes. What's my solution? Sinus rinses, and possibly taking a sabbatical every summer to the desert. I now understand those people wearing "life is good" tshirts and sensible shoes...they get it man, this adult onset allergy stuff is for the birds.

bad weather is comin, be safe ya'll.....

You SO BIG.

Kentucky is fat. Within Lexington we are proud to host the most sedentary population in America. So with that....we encounter the issue of the obese. Going to a bar to meet people my age, there are the glamorous people, then there are some people who sit in the couches, weighing over 400 lbs. Guess who wants to be sweet on me? The same people who sweat opening a can of beer. (bottles are too much work). Why is this place so fat...is it the fried food? The love of sugary sodas? The easy access to disability by feigning ADD? My thoughts? Southern food tastes too good. That's it...we're fat. good night

the family doctor

So it's no secret the southern people are fat. I battle my weight constantly. However, I had legitimate medical issues at the doctor today, a failing right kidney that seems to be always on the verge of collapse, other things I won't go into here as it's not relevant. The ONE thing I did not worry as much about today was my weight. The reason? I have all the skills required to fix it (and subsequently joined a gym to resume my intense spin classes immediately after this visit). There were some interesting characters in the clinic today. For one, the family medicine clinic has a policy that if a patient is 20 minutes late, they reschedule. I'm so PROUD of them for this, because people in Kentucky are usually very, very very late with no apology. I wanted to cheer for this like "yea, you tell em!"

Some of the snippets I overheard today:

"Well I didn't know I had to BATHE before this appointment"

(a girl on her cell phone who arrived an hour late, blaming it on the bus) "Yeah, my baby got to stay in daycare for an extra three hour just because that BITCH (said louder for emotive power) tell me I have to be on time for my doctor visit. What he gonna say, that I still pregnant. Yeah, I know I is."

....this one I actually took as an iphone audio file, but thought better of posting.

Or the woman who didn't fit in any of the chairs that asked to be seen earlier because "I just don't fit in this waiting room"

(in response to the commercial for the Soma backless bra)..."What do I need that for, I don't wear one now" (let's just be clear, she SHOULD wear 2, at all times)

I took my knitting as I usually do- and the husband of one of the patients kept staring at me saying "you make that look so easy"....he said it 4 times in the waiting room and once while I was waiting to have labs done. My response, nervous shuffling.

It's no wonder that when, I, a provider who is concise, accurate and proficient in providing history gets a parade and a hug. What a way to spend 2 days of my time off, visiting specialists.

It's hot enough to....wear a mumu as an obese man? Yes.

It's a 102 in the shade here in Sexy-Lexington...



I have some amazing neighbors. Fun people who make me laugh at the people around me. My neighbor across the breezeway who thinks I'm a demon-sinner...she moved out. BUT not before she posted THIS memo on the apartment website:

"Our family endured to much living there and our teenager was miserable and hated living there!
Where is true morality' They condone all types of immoral acts on the property of Patchen Oaks!
If you are a christian this place is not for you! This place is an abomination to all Godly Acts and they allow to much filth to continue to go on here! Children are subjected to enough in life without the trash they daily are subjected to at that sorry apartment complex! There is mold through out the entire complex! You can see it growing under areas where you have pictures hanging and behind furniture! Look around your baseboards! You can smell it in the breezeway real bad in building 8 We were sick from day one of moving into our apartment! Told Karen and never got a response! We were healthy when we moved in and sick the entire time we lived there we had diarrhea and vomiting! Heavy headaches! Nausea constantly!!! Since we moved out we have none been sick or felt bad at all!! We went to doctors while living there and they said it must be something in the building!"

Read more: http://www.apartmentratings.com/rate/KY-Lexington-Patchen-Oaks-Apartments-1280472.html#ixzz1RqvP9kOd

Incidentally- these people smoked in the "moldy breezeway" for hours, chain smoking. When they moved out I counted 15 silk plants. I'm not sure the nausea and diarrhea wasn't just the "sinking in" of reality that his name was actually Billy Bob and his "dress suit" was camo.

What made me open my eyes tonight and say "WOW" was the heat wave's effect. My morbidly obese neighbor who must apply self-tanner the way whales are coated with sea water was on the porch in "juicy" couture booty shorts fanning himself in a hawaiian mumu. My initial thought wasn't "oh no, sinners"...but rather "wonder if I can get ME one of them. In green."

As I went into the pool for a tepid 10pm dip tonight...there were children snorkeling around, punching each other in the face and neck, yelling things like "watch this" as they belly flopped into the water..It reminded me of that show "deadliest catch"; except the catch is impetigo.

My "south" is a place where my friends have their OWN pools, and we swim in them late night without fear of spinal injury or death from above. Unfortunately, "my south" is 6.5 hours away...and my "reality" is considering buying some cortizone as a preventative ointment, a helmet... and a mumu.

Hey mama! Let's chicken fight on daddy-brother and cousin bobby's heads!

I am the first to admit on many levels I don't belong here. I am a true southern girl...I do not have any instincts when it comes to greasing a pig or mining coal...but this is where I am. Which means, I adapt. I must admit hill people can be spicy in their humor. I was laying poolside yesterday and observing a family. Mom, stepdad, daughter with multiple tattoes including a pair of angel wings with a ring of fire on it ....the word "multiply" written across her abdomen as well as multiple asian symbols which I can only imagine are her "go-to" orders at Jin-Jin so there are no need for words and her best friend (who had braces?!?). What amazed me is the simplicity. There is no worry about "getting ahead at work" or "learning to read" There was much debate over whether or not 50 chicken nuggets would be "enough for a light snack" for 4 people...there was the discussion of the ATV accident that left her boyfriend with an abdominal lac that had been hastily re-stitched, making his "thug life" tattoo crooked. There was the question asked of me "what's that you reading." I replied "ah, this is the assessment and management guide for pediatric feeding and swallowing disorders" which fell on blank stares (I did LOVE the response of my neighbor who said "yeh man, I'm just waiting for the movie instead). All in all I find I'm adapting. I just oil myself up with banana boat, put on my ipod featuring new orleans jazz and read about the pediatric pharyngeal space being smaller allowing for better division of the airway. Today is the 4th and it's raining. So I'm being a true american: I ordered chinese and I'm knitting in my pajamas.

You's ain't from round here, is ya?

So it's no secret I'm single. I have my own scars and regrets about a former relationship that in many ways, propels me into some of the most comical dating scenarios. In Kentucky I have had MANY single dates...not many second dates. I was recently telling a coworker about them, and she encouraged me to blog about these men. First of all, they are from various sources, some are set ups from my married neighbor Robyn, from West Virginia, some from Match.com, and 2 from E-harmony. I have pretty basic standards. I have a job, live on my own, have education enough to not be addicted to meth and get to the dentist regularly. Does my date need these things? Yes. Do my dates always have these? Lord baby Jesus no.

There was (for the sake of the innocent) we'll call him B. A PhD in engineering who worked for a farm equipment company. We actually did 2 dates as one of them he brilliantly concealed his jagged meth mouth (i.e. broken chocolate chiclet teeth)...date #2 we saw "The King's Speech" and had a discussion about his teeth; he stated "18 months to have teeth done is too long". Not a single tooth in his mouth was whole, white, and I have no idea how he eats corn chips...which he loves without diffuse mandibular spasms.

The second bad tooth was just this weekend. This man worked for Toyota and didn't have a single tooth in his mouth. I probed gently about whether Toyota provided dental insurance...his response was "Aw, I don't need to worry about all that." He ate a steak, well done, butterflied...I don't know what was more upsetting, his teeth or what he did to that steak....WHO eats a WELL DONE STEAK that isn't 8 years old? I wanted to order him a plate of whole apples.... At the end of the night he worried about what we'd do on our next date. Well, cowboy, it's likely with a grill like that you also don't need to worry about gingivitis, long relationships, or what I want for Christmas.

There was the man at the dog park who asked me to Walmart...for dinner. That one I considered as I do think all people deserve a chance. I find that most men my age have 3-4 kids, (in some cases 5-6)...have angry ex wives and never knew a woman who pushed herself to finish a Master's degree when I could have been a couch potato and marry into a rich family and make babies. Might I mention the elementary school teacher who pretended to believe in God in order to teach at a local private Catholic School? There was the local real estate magnate, who lied about his age, warping 58 to 41...and having to get up from the table at dinner to take his "sugar reading". Might I add...the man who I met who posted pictures of himself from 1993...and weighed so much he didn't fit in an open booth, he also couldn't walk 15 feet without "taking a break." There are more, but the longer I reminisce, the dirtier I feel... (wait- did I mention the Iraq veteran who threw a beer at my cat, thinking it was a terrorist?)...

The irony is, the more I date, the less I need to fill the "role" of a man in my life. I feel more confident, whole, and self-assured knowing I can provide for myself, and incidentally, I have a dental cleaning and films scheduled for September 1, 11:30 am at the Kentucky Clinic...because I don't want to be "that girl."